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I GOT MY PERIOD, SO WHAT?

pe•ri•od (noun): [pee-ree-uh d]
A period is the part of the menstrual cycle when a woman bleeds from her vagina for a few days.

There is this lady I read about on the internet today. She threw a “Period Party” for her daughter when she got her first period! She did this to discourage the notion behind viewing one’s period as a bad thing. The theme was red! So all her friends and her daughter’s friends had to wear red, and there was red food, red drinks, and red decorations. I thought that was brilliant!

I see how society makes a woman feel ashamed to be female. We are made to hate ourselves, our body shape, our nails (why else would you feel the need to put those unnecessary fake nails that got you looking like Cruella de Vil?), our hair (weaves and wigs much), our diet, the way we speak, generally our state of being. I mean we are made to be embarrassed and apologetic about being on our monthlies. It’s an astronomical taboo to even acknowledge out loud that you’re on your period. Like I’d be talking to my friends at a restaurant, and I’ll say, “I’m on my period,” and they’ll be like “ssshhhh, keep it down, there are people around…” and some of the said people- who apparently heard my pronouncement- would start looking at me like I got 3 heads on my shoulders.

Period-obvious-fact

You hear mums say how their girls cried as if the world had come to an end because they got their period. I came across a health website with a kids questions section, where a girl was asking how she would tell her mom and dad that she got her period. Or when you read the stuff on Twitter and Facebook said by boys about the ‘tragedies’ and ‘inconveniences’ brought about by their girlfriends’ when they are on their period. See how when you’re in the supermarket trying to buy some sanitary pads or tampons, and it’s like you’re crossing a frigging highway. Cause you have to look right, look left, look right again, confirm that all is clear, before you can proceed to that particular aisle. Which makes me wonder.

Let me give you a little lesson here real quick. What really happens to lead to this is that Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) is produced by the body (the pituitary gland to be specific- yes I’m just gonna go ahead and sound geeky). This particular hormone prompts the maturity of an egg in the ovary, plus stimulates the release of the oestrogen hormone. Oestrogen stops the FSH production (we don’t want more than one egg to mature right?) and stimulates the production of Luteinising Hormone, which is responsible for releasing the mature egg from the ovary. Here, the ovary releases progesterone which thickens the uterus (the uterine lining to be specific) and prepares it for pregnancy. If fertilization of the egg doesn’t happen, then the hormone levels fall and the uterus lining is shed off- as our menses. (And by shed off I mean, rip down the walls inside our womb!)

A lot be happening...

A lot be happening…

Why did I find it necessary for that Biology lesson you ask? Well, I just wanted to remind you that the combination of the aforementioned hormones is what kept you comfortable in your mother’s womb before you were born. To tell you that this particular period is the reason you are alive today. See what I’ve learnt about shedding our period is that women know how to let go of unnecessary things. We have learnt the art of regenerating. We understand the beauty of becoming fresh and clean. Yes, this influences how we behave but who said change and renewal was easy. So go ahead girl and rejuvenate.

A female is introduced to recurring pain at an early age, and in some places in India, humiliation and Isolation. During this time of the month, she will be moody, have weird cravings, she will have to restrain from wearing her favourite white dress for fear of staining, and she will be on her toes. See our period teaches us how to be prepared every month. It also reminds us of our strength, because the week of pain doesn’t break us no matter how many times it comes back. We know how to trudge on, if not bounce back. It shows us that we can take care of ourselves and the people around us because of how resourceful we become in order to reduce the pain. And most of all, it demonstrates the control and verve we possess because despite the pain, we still get to work, study, love, laugh and live. Our period teaches us how to be ready for the expected and the unexpected, how to battle up for war, and how to be strong.

original-Period quote

At least this is what I tell myself every month…

The other thing you can learn about our period, is the metaphor behind the fact that our menstrual cycles synchronize, when we spend a lot of time with our female friends, sisters, mothers or co-workers. Our body hormones speak to each other. Our cervices understand each other. There is a whole lot of power behind sisterhood. The lady said, all the people she loves know how to bleed with her. So why cower and become shamefaced when you get your period? Why hide away and feel less of what you are when you start to bleed? I’m not saying you should walk around with stained clothes or use tampons as erasers; but don’t you dare apologize for going through what is biologically inevitable and completely normal. The red from our body makes us females what we are. Phenomenal.

So ladies, go ahead and put on that pretty dress, walk down that aisle like a boss, and take your time deciding what you want to use for your period. Next time you get your menses dear, let it remind you of the potential and authority you hold. Let it remind you of the warrior you have become because of the much you can handle month in month out, year in year out. Next time you unintentionally mark you sheets, sofa, dress, chair, and car, with the colour red, don’t be sad. Just smile and remember all the good things about being a woman. And as for society, remember all that next time you mock another woman’s period. Remember this when you get daughters: that girl who just got her menses deserves respect, because that bleeding represents life, warmth, strength, influence and power. Period.

Let it bleed boo. It supposed to happen.

Let it bleed boo. It supposed to happen.

Cheers to the ladies who know how it feels like to bleed for humanity.

Peace.

P.S. For mothers with young daughters out there, you might want to read THESE GUIDELINES on how to go about her first period.

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LET’S TALK DIVORCE AND CHEATING

Ilustração - Divórcio
You heard about the Ashley Madison marital drama over the cheating-spouses website? No? I suggest you google it! For the lazy ones, get more information on This site and HERE. It’s an international calamity! Apparently there is a lot of cheating going on in married couples, and a lot of the cheaters (and I mean A LOT, like X2000 more) are men. Did you know the current divorce rates are at 50% of the marriages (if not more)? To add on to that, “two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women,” according to Bill Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota. We had this conversation the other day with some colleagues of mine and we were wondering, What. The. Hell. Is. Going. On? No really, what’s the deal?? Should we all give up on marriage? Just pack up all our belongings and join the church sisters, or better yet, divide the world into countries inhabited by a single gender, because what’s the point right? If it’s all about reproduction, we can all just freeze our eggs or visit the sperm bank right? And maybe visit the other gender/country during Christmas, Labour day and maybe the World Cup… It got my friends and I wondering, is the institution of marriage considered so last century out-dated, or do we still have hope for its survival?

Well, after an almost-thorough assessment, here were my opinions; and I thought maybe I should share them with the rest of the world out here. I want to know what you think about it all. Do you have better explanations or conclusions about this issue?

So Why Do I Think A lot More Men than Women Cheat?
I’ve found out that men cheat easily because what they often look for outside their marriages is physical release, or more attention (cause wifey ain’t giving him much) or to merely ‘spice up’ their carnal needs. Whereas women would cheat with a man who makes up for what their husband lacks; could be love, attention, money, potency etc. Therefore, for men, just about any woman can do, preferably one who is easily gotten without much effort, like let’s say consensual adults online costing just a few dollars. Whilst women would have to meet and interact with the said ‘cheater’ in person to determine if they ‘fit the bill.’

Is it written in Stone that Men cannot be Monogamous?
This one is hard to even try to justify. There was a moment I thought it was genetic, or hormonal. That men just can’t help being repelled by this monogamous business…then I came across and got to interact with some men who actually don’t mind being attached to just one female, or even prefer it. So apparently it is possible, which got me thinking that maybe it’s a psychological thing. Could men- being all masculine, egomaniacs and all macho- be scared to get fully attached to one woman for fear of heartbreaks or betrayal or loss, cause they wouldn’t want to be vulnerable like that??

Are women less likely to cheat or is it that women are simply just better at not getting caught?
Both are true. Women’s minds are less susceptible to this desire to cheat, aaaaand women are cleanly better at not getting caught. They say women are intuitive, choosy, calculating, particular, more emotional and sometimes hard to get. You see, we take time to choose our life partners; they should have particular traits we want in a husband. Cause we are smarter (science says so) hence think further into the future. Also because it takes us 9 months to reproduce, and men only umh seconds? Hence we need to be sure that the “sperm- donor” is worth it, cause we kinda have a lot at stake here. For these reasons, women get into marriage with an agenda. Whereas with some of the men I’ve seen and heard about, it doesn’t take much for them to consent into this institution. Their demands are often quite simple really: Big ass, or nice boobs, or big hips, or a cute face, or a lady who can cook, or one who is good in bed, or the one he has dated for a decade now, or that chic because she pregnancy-trapped him into marriage, or her latest girlfriend because her parents want him to get married, or that girl because his friends think she’s hot etc.. Which in turn, leads to them finding out later in marriage that they actually didn’t know what they were getting themselves into. But it’s too late, so pride and all- they’d rather cheat than divorce.

Is modern infidelity a lot worse than back in the days?
Yes, modern infidelity is a bigger threat. Now that we got social media- one can ‘approach’ a man or woman easily and hide their identities pretty well; women find it OK to expose all sorts of body parts in public; more women being the hunters and seductresses nowadays (gender equality and all)- and apparently men ‘can’t say no when offered’ (so I heard), morality not being the norm in our current society, presence of beliefs like “cheating is ‘cool’ as long as you don’t get caught”, divorce not being a big deal in this day and age, as well as, the young not being readied for marriage like the olden days (you know how girls were taught how to become good wives and mothers, while the boys were taught how to herd cattle, attack lions, hunting and gathering etc)

How comes more women are the ones who file for divorce?
So, I’m gonna be real with you all and not hold back on this one.
Gender equality happened. *BAM!*
Time has forced women to ‘man-up’ as some would put it. Back in the day, men did the providing, protecting and owning of property, while women were mostly domestic beings- taking care of the house, family and warming the bed… It was a give and take relationship. One gender depended on the other. The husband and wife had different marital roles and hence became co-independent. Nowadays, men and women have similar roles. We both work, provide, protect, rule, and own businesses. In fact, on top of that, women still cook, clean, get pregnant, carry it, give birth, and breast feed! So all that, plus add the cheating husband, women feel like they are getting the shorter end of the stick here. That is why, they have a lot more expectations on the men they want to marry.
But sadly, men of late just aint cutting it. I mean the number of families I know where mothers are the sole breadwinners, or where fathers do not provide, or provide while grumbling all the way, or provide but beat up their women, or sit around and not help much, is shocking! Yeah, I see all of you sorry excuses of men who go clubbing, spending them dollars on drinks and drugs, picking up chics from the club, while your woman and kids back at home don’t have lunch or school fees. You should be ashamed of yourselves. You see, women have become more ambitious, more into education, and more focused about their future. They say, women empowerment happened. That girls are being given too much attention and boys are being neglected. Uumh for real? That’s the excuse we going to go with? That because all of a sudden girls are given as much attention as boys are, the males can’t keep up?? This is not even about me being feministic anymore, because last time I checked, Feminism DOES NOT MEAN reverse Masculism (yes, it’s a word). I thought Men are more virile and in-charge of things. Where did your Pride go? Anyways, I don’t wanna get carried away (I know, too late lol) but my point was that more women are opting out of marriages because its gotten to a moment where they give too much, and don’t get much out of this marriage institution situation.

Do I still have hope for this particular institution?
Well, for the reasons above, I have a strong feeling that people will get married and divorced a lot more, however, for those who would stay in this holy matrimony, they would definitely have stronger marriages because the temptation is REAL of all the temptations around.

P.S. I’m also thinking this divorce rate is increasing because (since ending marriages ain’t a big deal no more) people end up marrying and divorcing like 7 times in one lifetime!- adding up to the statistics and all.

P.P.S. If my future husband is reading this, I got a message for you. You’re going to be my first, second and last husband-till death do us part; so wherever you are, you better be checking yourself and prepping up on how we gonna make this happen.
real_housewives_gifs_g11

P.P.P.S. If you have a comment, question or story to tell (me) about this topic, hit me up on the comment section. Let’s discuss.

So yeah. Deuces.

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I FEAR FOR OUR DAUGHTERS

This is for our daughters.

This is for our daughters.

About 2 weeks ago…

“Zee, with all the Mollis-tape hype, I’m surprised you haven’t written anything about it…” One of my friends commented.

“Well, it’s a tricky issue, didn’t know which side to take.” I replied.

“Oh yeah? What do you mean?” Her.

“Well, I couldn’t tell whether it was rape or just another ‘drama-ful’ incident for the sake of publicity.” Me.

“You really think so?” Her.

“Well, yeah, plus I kinda didn’t want to get involved in that heated controversy. It might have gotten messy.” Me.

“When has that ever stopped you?” Her.

“Since when did you start holding back or even ignoring a chance to speak your mind?” Another her.

Since when indeed, I thought. This was me and my friends a few days ago, when the Mollis audio tape came up in our conversation. See, they believe me to be the Conscience Mistress. And as most of you may know, I am q.u.i.t.e opinionated, plus I hardly ever pass up a chance to stand strong to my beliefs. In fact, one of my close friends called me ‘The Idealist’ of our group. LOL. *side note* Btw Mary, I was actually flattered… So they have been wondering what I thought about the whole Mollis drama. Well, here’s to Mary, Jane, Rhodah and all the ladies out there.

After going through all the tweets and blog posts related to this saga, I am worried sick for our daughters, because of my findings of what my society finds amusing. No matter how much I tried to pay no attention to the ‘Mollis’ audio commotion, the universe just couldn’t let me. For a number of days, that was all I heard and read about. Every time I went through my twitter timeline, logged in to my Facebook account, and turned on the radio, topics about ‘Mollis’ have been all the rage. Sadly, most of what my eyes and ears have been exposed to, has not been honourable. Numerous tweets made fun of the incident, and I believed it to be just the usual young, hot-blooded banters. It was only after I read a particularly undignified feedback-post about the audio tape from a reputable and often-credible media site (and of course, the conversation I had with my friends), that I decided I had to put my two cents in.

According to the public consensus, the ‘good thing’ about the audio clip people found amusing was that the sexual deed was probably consensual and that she enjoyed the session because, apparently, she had been searching for the boy earlier. The other aspect that masses in the social media seem to sing praises to (until today) is about the said boy’s ‘energy’. Of course I found both points debatable because for point One: I don’t know about you but if I was eager about ‘Mollis’ and enjoyed his ‘sportsmanship’ there are a lot better flowery words I’d use, and none of them is “Nimechoka” or “I surrender”. As for point two: one word, Viagra. (I’m just saying. I mean who knows…) However, what got me overly concerned, was the countless non-debatable bad things about the recording that came into light.

The lady in question seemed to have been quite intoxicated whereas the man, not so much- if at all. I fear for our daughters because it reminded me that there exist men out there who may take advantage of our drunken girls. And worse, that our daughters would simply get drunk around people they do not fully trust.

As I said earlier, the deed might have been of mutual consent, but again what if it wasn’t. The aspect of whether the girl gave in to it and actually enjoyed it is disputable, since she wouldn’t have claimed exhaustion, persistently, throughout the recording, don’t you think so.. So what if it really was rape? Just because she agreed to it yesterday, or three hours ago, doesn’t mean she is on board right now. Let’s face it, those were not words and sounds of a woman in pleasure. And for this, I fear for our daughter. I fear that she will get into relationships with a man who will not really care about her, as long as the arrangement pleases him. I fear for her because such men would not pause to confirm if she really means her pleas to stop or not. I fear for our daughters because there are men who actually believe that when a woman says “no” she means “yes.”

While a few women were worried that this could be rape caught on tape, other women joined the larger group that made fun of the event, and went ahead to make statements that publicly degraded women and supported a possible cruel act. I fear for our daughters, because they may come to have such women as their best friends.

Is it me or is sex all we talk about in the online society we live in. That we will only Briefly discuss events such as POTUS coming to our country, Global Entrepreneur Summits, our political stability, our state deploying more than three hundred medical personnel to go fight Ebola, or even a well-celebrated football game, but we’ll chatter For Days On End about matters to do with sex. So yes, I fear that no matter how intelligent, witty, sporty, funny and innovative our daughters will be, at the end of the day they will be reduced to just two words, ‘sexual beings.’

Even so, it wasn’t the video that struck me dumb, numb and glum, but the reactions that it brought out of it. I was forced to read posts, tweets, and memes that dishonored women, encouraged rape, and applauded men who do. And that, makes me want to lock up our daughters in their rooms and never let them out. Doesn’t it freak you out- even a little bit- that even though there are good people out there, a big part of their community would not have our little girls’ best interests at heart? That our daughters will be exposed to such unpleasant sentiments and watch their fellow females go through such embarrassing and degrading moments. I mean we moved from wife-battery, to publicly stripping them because of their choice of dress, now it’s defaming them because of the people they associate with, what next? Burning them on a stick because of the length of their braids??

To that lady in the audio recording, I do hope her best friend, brother, and father were not among the ones who got a kick out of this episode.

Peace.

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WHY YOU SHOULD PAMPER HER

relationship-drivers-pampering-1071500-TwoByOne

Men are an integral part of our society. We appreciate their presence because they represent strength and safety. They (should) protect and provide for their families, as well as carry the heavy items when we are moving things around the house. I remember when I wanted to go to the shops at night, I would take my bigger-in-size-but-younger-in-age brother with me because he made the to and fro trip a lot safer. It is also a recognized fact that in the communities of the living inhabitants of planet earth, males are known to pamper their females. Especially with human beings, a man is often expected to ‘treat his woman like a princess’ and as a precious gift. However, it has been noted that not many of them do this of late, and I, am here today to tell men out there that she is worth it. Here are TEN reasons why she deserves to be pampered. They are things we probably know, but some of our male counterparts seem to need a reminder.

1. The first reason is pretty obvious: You should pamper her to show her that you love and adore her. Yes you tell her that you love her, but it won’t matter much if you don’t follow up those words with actions. What is it different that you do for her that you don’t do for the other girls? How else can you show her (and the world) that she matters to you and that you are loyal to her- and no other girl? Take her out, buy her flowers, spend time with her, and once in awhile, do the things she likes to do. History shows that watching a romantic comedy or helping her cook a meal has never killed a male before.

2. Spoil your woman silly because she makes an effort. She gets all dolled up, dresses up, learns about your likes and dislikes, gets you gifts on your birthday, and even goes ahead to learn more about football (and your favorite team), and occasionally watches it with you because you enjoy it. Well, relationships are a give and take. So pamper her because she tries to pamper you in her own ways.

3. The other reason you should treat her with excessive indulgence is to express gratitude. Get her her favorite music album because she cooks your favorite meals every weekend. Talk and listen to her because she makes you laugh. Give her a kiss because she ironed your shirt. Appreciate her because she took care of you when she got sick. Show her that you are thankful to have her in your life. Pampering her screams “Thank you” a lot louder.

4. Love and spoil her because she gives birth! Yes, this is more than reason enough to mollycoddle the mother of your kids (present or future). The ability to perform this deed is not fun and easy. Carrying a baby for 9months then going through labour before s/he is pushed out of her vulva, is not an effortless task. So care for her because she is not only the mother of your kids, but also because the particular act of becoming a mother can be a pain in the ass (not-anatomically- literally of course!) That way, she will have another reason to go through the pain, because you (and your sperm) will be worth it.

5. Treat your lady right because if you don’t, she will leave- or worse, cheat on you with that man who does. This one is pretty straightforward really. If you do not care and adore the woman you claim for exclusivity, she will leave you and find somebody who will. So give her a reason to stay. No, your dashing good looks and the big car you drive is not reason enough.

6. Which brings me to the next point: Pamper and court the hell out of that girl you want to date or marry because it’s a competition out there! As I stated in HERE, due to women’s biology, we can only reproduce a few times and after periods of an estimate of nine months; while psychologically, we can only give our all to one man at a time. For this reason, we are compelled to choose a candidate who is worthy of our dedication, morning sickness and labour pains. In other words, you are one among her options. You are not the only one who is courting her, nor are you the only one she is contemplating settling down with. You want to know the secret that will win her over? Know her, love her, Pamper her.

7. You have to pamper her because that is what she expects, and it’s what is expected of you. Yes, us girls are raised as princesses, being pampered by our kings of a dad, while our brother, the prince, not so much. Girls grow up expecting to be romanced by men who claim to love them, whereas men grow up knowing that they would have to court her to get her. This is why we have phrases like ‘damsel in distress’ and not ‘lad in distress’; ‘knight in a shining armour’ and not ‘Dame in a shining armour’. So get in line.

8. Treat your partner right because that shows that you respect her. You respect her as a human being, you respect her as a female, and you respect her as your relationship-accomplice.

9. Treat your woman right because your mother taught you better! I mean, I do not understand how we have so many mamas boys but a lot less men who treat their girlfriends right! I mean, where do you learn how to mistreat your women??? Didn’t your mother teach you better? Didn’t your mother coddle you and shower you with love? That’s how you treat your lady, like your mother- or rather most mothers- treated your father. Ummh, with the exception of the famous Nyeri women -_-

10. Pamper her because the superior being up there declared you should. To those who believe in religion, it is the duty of a husband to pamper his wife (Adam and Hawa/Eve style). And as for those who believe in the evolution theory, who do you think went out there into the wilderness to hunt, gather and fight off lions to keep the family fed and safe? So yeah, check your e-mails.

I didn't say you should become her slave...however, giving her a pedicure with your shirt off is also advised ^_^

I didn’t say you should become her slave…however, giving her a pedicure with your shirt off is also advised ^_^

*If the above points aren’t enough reasons for a man to treat her girlfriend right…then he should probably be gay. ^_^

Peace.

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TRIBUTE TO RAMADHAN

I can be quite religious... It's a good thing for me.

I can be quite religious… It’s a good thing for me.

It has been almost a month since I posted something up! Well, this hiatus is officially over. Many things happened in these four weeks: the last holy days of Ramadhan, then Eid celebrations and spending time with that side of the family (I tell you, no place does Eid festivals like Mombasa!) I got to spend a few wonderful days at the Coast, then I was back to the capital city. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and planning about my future, mainly because I decided on a career change. I know! Big deal here. Then we moved houses, so packing, unpacking, a lot of arranging and rearranging my life. Nevertheless, I came out of it alive and in one piece! Full of vigor for great things. In other words, I am Back! In full swing, with a Bang. Call me Miss Bumerang! (This is what listening to a little hip hop does to me..)

Anyways speaking of Ramadhan, it’s been like two weeks since the holy month came to an end and we celebrated Eid-ul Fitr. Those thirty days of fasting came and went so fast it’s a wonder. It was a very peaceful month. Calm, busy but easy-going, and quite spiritual. It was that month when there were fewer arguments, less fights, people being more kind and helpful to each other, no insult-throwing or abusive moments, no getting drunk and behaving appallingly, less lies and more understanding. You see on this month, Muslims do not just fast, but become the best person they can be. They refrain from bad behavior, treat others well and revel in prayers, and various religious supplications. Not that we are meant to be nice only on this month, but in doing so during this particular period, we get more blessings and additional reward. On the other hand, doing otherwise during this holy month is overly sinful. It is considered something close to a heavenly felony to do bad during this month. This will bring you bad luck, misfortune, Allah’s wrath (on earth and in the day of judgment), among other misgivings. Ramadhan is a month of giving respect and acknowledging our creator. In other words, Muslims are their best form during this month. At the same time, this is the most peaceful of months; Evil is kept at bay. So what happens when this month comes to an end? What happens after Eidul-Fitr? Do we go back to our ‘evil’ ways? Do we yield to being mean, arrogant, insult-throwers, abusive, greedy, selfish, inconsiderate and uncouth?

I am pleased to say that I have not. See my life during Ramadhan is not very far off from my life during every other month of the year. I am that girl who orders Novida and energy drinks when we go out, and never gets drunk (okay I admit, I occasionally have a glass of wine or a bottle- or two- of Snapp). I am also that girl who others may call goody-two-shoes or a kill joy because I won’t make out with that stranger, expose my thighs and boobs in public, bendover against some random dude in a club or enjoy playing strip-poker. I am that lady who prefers sleepovers, night shopping, or hanging out at a restaurant and having fun with friends and loved ones, over dressing meagerly so as to go get drunk and club-hop. I am that woman who would walk away from a fight, not raise my voice aimlessly, or act hostile with people I know or even people I don’t. I probably do not know how to hold a grudge, and I find it extremely hard to intentionally hurt another being. And guess what? I have as much fun in my life as much as the next person!! I am too busy following my dreams, having fun my way and being happy. My life has less drama, I almost certainly have less stress and things to worry about, plus really, everybody likes me (okay, maybe that’s pushing it too far; let’s just say I have only a few foes and I get along with all kinds of people). Life is actually Good.

What I’m I driving at? It is okay to be kind and nice to people. It is okay to not indulge in some form of debauchery every week. It is okay to want to be Righteous. Yes, many people you know abandon themselves to all sorts of habits and deeds they wouldn’t admit to their parents, but if you do not feel comfortable on that bandwagon, if some things don’t feel right to you, it is okay to say No to them. You owe nobody anything. No obligation to follow, and no explanation. You, and only you, should decide who you want to be. And if the path to righteousness comes easy for you, if being kind and humble makes you content, if your conscience is pleased when you don’t involve yourself with things you consider not right in your eyes, if being all this still allows you to follow you dreams, live and laugh your heart out, then why not? Dear human being in the 21st century, it is okay to stay away from things that will get you wondering about consequences afterwards.

Let not the society or peer pressure force you into uncomfortable situations. If you feel like you have to be this particular way to be accepted, it is not worth it. This goes to all people out there who want to be a little bit more righteous. It is okay to be you. You do not have to be what is considered ‘hip’ among your peers to have a happy and successful life. If being so tickles your fancy, then well and good, go all out and be happy. However, don’t give up your virtue just to please your fellow human beings. Personally, I find it a lot easier being one person with everyone, compared to being a rendition of ten other people. You know, the person you are with your parents, the person you are with your best-friend, the person you become when fasting, the person you become in church, the person you turn out to be in front of your boss, the person you are when nobody is looking, the different people you are with the different groups of friends and acquaintances you have… It is okay to want to be righteous, because I only get to be one person at all times. That one person who fits everywhere. It’s just me. One me. And the people who matter in my life, plus many others in this universe, love me just the way I am. Being this, brings balance to my life. So yes, it’s okay to be righteous; whether it’s Ramadhan or not. In fact, it’s more than okay.

Peace.

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BAGGAGE CLAIM…

ourisman-rings
It has been minutes, maybe hours, I can’t tell. I have been staring at my finger with a big smile on my face. The sparkling ring around it is not gigantic, but it’s not tiny either. Adam proposed yesterday night. The look on his face when he went down on his knees, will forever stay in my mind. That instant has officially become the best moment in my life. It felt even better than when I got promoted to the head of my department at work two months ago. I totally did not see the proposal coming. Yes Adam and I have been dating for six months now, but he had been rather elusive for the last week. I’m guessing he was busy making preparations for this moment. Of course I had been worried sick. I remember when Mark (one of my exes) did that, and shortly afterwards I found out he had started sleeping with a colleague at his workplace. But then again, Mark wasn’t as thoughtful, understanding and loving as Adam. The smile on my face gets bigger as I think of my fiancé’s gorgeous face. That cocky, knowing grin he gets whenever he is confident about something (which happens often) or when he wins one of our arguments (this doesn’t happen often). His eyes get this twinkle as one side of his mouth twitches into a smirk. A good swaggering smirk- not the kind that I used to spot on Logan’s face. Logan (another ex) could be arrogant and conceited sometimes. Adam is not like that. Well, I hope he really isn’t. How can one tell? I obviously couldn’t when Logan and I started dating. No. I would not doubt Adam. He has not given me reason to.

The ring is not heavy at all! Well yeah, its certainly got me a bit self-conscious as I go about my day, but who wouldn’t! Can you believe my family had known about it! I didn’t know my best friend Nadia could keep a secret this long. That was definitely a first. Oh Adam, how sweet he can be. He may not be the guy who opens doors for me or pulls the chair out for me, like Mustafa did, but he brought me a whole bouquet of flowers when I got promoted, and took me out to dinner to celebrate. That counts. It turned out it was all an act with Mustafa. Let’s just say the girl who kept calling his phone at night was NOT his ex. Adam didn’t get late night calls. And when he did (which rarely happened), it would either be a call from his younger brother or an emergency at work. At least that’s what he tells me. And I believe him. I do. I have to. He proposed to me for crying out loud. He wouldn’t go this far if he wasn’t serious about me. About us. Would he? Adam doesn’t lie to me. Ali did, but Adam doesn’t.

Sigh. This is not the time for uncertainty. I love Adam. He treats me well. I would gladly spend the rest of my life with him. Plus I love spending time with him, and him with me. In fact, he pulls me towards him for a cuddle every time we watch TV. Which was so unlike Mark, who liked watching football by himself. He said I asked too many questions when he watches it with me, and that I tend to fidget a lot. This would explain why I was totally surprised and full of nerves when Adam first cuddled with me as he watched the Premier League final game. Don’t get me wrong, I trust Adam. Even though it took me awhile to open up and let him in, I trust him now. But then again, I also trusted Mark, Logan, Mustafa, Ali, Kay and the one before him- at one time or the other.
No, I would not let my past relationships dilute what I have with Adam. He asked. I said Yes- and I meant it. Now, there’s a wedding to plan!

* * *

Gone are the days when women would embrace chastity until a man came home to ask for her hand in marriage. Also gone are the days a man would only pursue a woman with the intention of marriage. We live in an era where people date for different reasons, most of them not very honourable. We get into a relationship somewhat knowing that it will come to an end. Cheating, lying, and ungentlemanly behavior in relationships have become the norm, and one is no longer surprised when she finds out that her partner is guilty of one or the other. In fact, some women even anticipate for it to happen. Yet, the sad bit of it all this is that we women have given up on the possibility of a faithful and loving boyfriend- or husband. Most of us settle for ‘the man who is less likely to cheat on us’, or the man who will not cheat on us the longest- until he does. Which leads me to my biggest fear, as a woman who believes in not just marriage, but a loving and loyal union. How many boyfriends will I date before I meet my husband? How many people will I go to bed with before my husband? Will the existence of my past relationships harm my marriage?

What we women do not notice is that the more men we date, the more baggage we carry on to the next relationship. This is mainly because we tend to use the ‘lessons’ and ‘Dos and Don’ts’ from our previous relationships as blueprints for the next one. We fail to understand that each man is different. What may work on boyfriend number one, may not work on boyfriend number two. Comparably, the habits of boyfriend number two will probably be different from those of boyfriend number three. Nevertheless, this doesn’t stop us from having predetermined expectations from our previous relationships (both good and bad) that evidently put pressure on a new relationship. Such sentiments, in addition to the insatiable need to be in a relationship (thanks to all sorts of external influence), push us into relationships that won’t work.

Statement of the Problem
Why do I take a while before I get into a relationship? The same reason I have experienced less number of heartbreaks than you have. You wonder why you have unnecessary expectations in your current relationship? Well, you’ve dated and gotten attached (physically and emotionally) with countless men, so now you have ‘a lot of experience’, endless expectations, fond and bitter memories, as well as, emotional pieces and parts of your soul left with each one of your exes. You date every Tom, Dick and Harry that you can’t tell the right guy from the rest- even if he went down on his knees.

Probable Solution
It’s simple really. Sit down, look into yourself, think about what you want in a relationship, and what future you would like to have, then answer the question: “Why do you date?” People are different. Some date in order to have an active sex life while others date because they feel incomplete on their own and they can’t handle being alone. Some are pushed into dating because all their friends are in a relationship and others because they like being taken out for dates and stuff. I know of some who like dating because of the pampering they get: the gifts, the trips, the dinero. I am lady in my early twenties, and why do I date? To be honest, I’d get into a relationship right now to spend time with him (and him with me) so as to distinctively determine if the man will be the person who can be my future spouse.

I vow to know what I want in a partner before I put myself on display at the relationship market. This aside, I choose to only get involved with a man who fits those set standards. I refuse to settle for anything less. I also refuse to be swayed by my friends, family or social media. I will commit to a relationship that I believe will last, and I will dedicate my resources and effort to make it work, knowing that my partner would do the same. As a believer of true love and devotion, I will give as much as I expect to be given. Most importantly, I declare to learn and get to know my partner for who he is, and treat him accordingly. I shall not blame him for the mistakes of the others, nor shall I expect him to give what he cannot. I vow to be faithful to this man, hoping that I chose right, and that he would be as devoted and as faithful. Above all, I pray that the man I get physically and emotionally attached to turns out to have the qualities I would want in my husband. And if I date a guy and find out he isn’t the one, I won’t go further, rather I will wait for him- my husband material. For the sake of your marriages, I think you should too.

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P.S: This applies to men too. Women do not want to get married to men who have 5 baby mamas, 7 children out there with their exes, and like 97341 exes roaming around earth. Scientists haven’t discovered any other livable planet yet!

#Peace

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THE EX-GAME (The TerminEX Game)

couple-out-on-a-date
You know how it’s a felony to talk about your ex with your next, or potential next… Well, sometimes you cannot help it. It could be because your ex meant so much to you, and for a long while, that even though it’s over, it doesn’t erase his existence or influence. It could also be because you ended it after he turned into somebody else and not the person you fell for, but you do not know the reason behind it. For that reason, your thoughts keep going back to review and analyze different situations that happened to the two of you when you were dating. Either way, you may find yourself referring to him more often than you’d like, because…well, you can’t help it. Not because you are not over him or her, or that if he or she comes back, you’ll go running back to them, no. It just means that what you had actually meant something to you, and that you consider what you shared special. When you had it. Which is okay. I mean putting your time, effort, resources and emotions into something for so long, may cause this. Nevertheless, you mentioning or quoting your ex to- or worse, comparing him with- your current does not look good and may cause you a potential next. But Fear Not. Today I have a few tips that may help you stop yourself from getting on the ex-rant train. Here are a number of pointers that will get you to terminate all, if not many, of those ex-involving statements in your future conversations with your next. I call it the TerminEX Game. They worked with me; I hope they work with you too. Let’s save your future dates!

Generalize you statements

Whenever you want to refer to a situation or utter a comparison decree about your ex, generalize the statement and make it a broad-spectrum declaration. For example: When you want to say “Well, my ex used to say that too but see how that turned out” Don’t, instead say something like, “I know of a number of people who say such things but do not mean it.” However, for this to happen, you need to think your statements through before you utter them out loud.

Vague it Out
When your date asks you a question that the answer is your ex, you don’t have to admit it or mention him. Questions like: Who taught you how to do that? Who did you bring to that event? Why do you like watching the game? Who made you start supporting Chelsea? Who told you that? As an alternative, give answers like, a friend of mine, a friend of a friend, an old pal, a past acquaintance, somebody I used to know etc. In other instances, it may not come as a question, but an admittance from you: My ex taught me that. I support Chelsea cause of my ex. The last time I was here, I was with my ex. Go ahead and replace the name-that-shall-not-be-named by the words above.

Do not Relive Him
When your new date asks you where you want to go (whether it’s to hang out or for a meal) do not, I repeat, DO NOT, take him to you-and-your-ex’s favorite place. When he asks you to choose a movie to watch, DO NOT choose your ex’s favorite movie. When you decide to cook a meal cause your new guy is coming over, DO NOT cook your ex’s favorite meal. In other words, do not bring up situations that fully remind you of your ex. That way, you won’t be thinking or remembering him when you are with the new guy. Make new memories instead.

Try something new. A new place. A new meal. Get a new favorite.

Try something new. A new place. A new meal. Get a new favorite.

Change your Playlist
It goes without saying, change that playlist you liked listening to because it reminded you of your ex. Select new songs, and get new favorites! He is now your ex and the more you hold on to his memories, even though you claim you are over him (and that you two are *Taylor Swift’s voice* never ever ever getting back together), the harder it will be to forget him. This also goes for watching his favorite movies, revisiting his favorite places, or ordering his favorite drink, when you are alone. That will only give you fodder for your next conversation with your next date. What we feed our time with, over and over, is stored in our subconscious mind, and that’s what really stays.

Avoid it all...

Avoid it all…


Let Go
Yes, your relationship ended and you didn’t get closure. Yes, he cheated on you and you do not know why. Yes, he just stopped answering your calls and messages. Maybe he ended it abruptly when you thought everything was going on well. Maybe YOU ended it. Whatever reasons thats got you thinking about the past won’t change what happened. You two Broke Up. So Let Go, and Move On. You do not have to have the answers to every question. Sometimes, it just isn’t meant to be.

If you follow the above without retracing, with time (and distance), your tendency to mention your ex in your conversations and thoughts will decrease into oblivion. And with it, it will take the hurt, bitterness, and sadness. Next time you think about him, it will be just another memory.
All the Best Ladies.