I’m hiding. I don’t know why. Okay maybe I do. I’m a bit anxious about…well, everything. So I’m hiding away. Hiding behind my novels, behind that nice movie, behind that interesting chat with that guy, behind my endless shopping. Chatting away like I have no worries in the world. Acting like I have everything under control. But I don’t. I’m a bit scared. Maybe more restless than I have ever been in my life on earth. So many things to do, so many plans to put in play, too many characters to my movie of a life. I know it’s a cowardly move. I am running away hiding instead of facing it all. It’s like I lost my preeminent strength, stopped believing in myself and lost hope for good happenings. In its place, a lot of uncertainty, procrastination, dread and worry. I miss my courageous form. I gotta snap out of this. It’s a month into the year. I gotta snap out of it.
So I stopped writing yearly resolutions. Why you ask? Because I used to do this every year but ended up getting most of the items in my list undone. Yearly resolutions encourage procrastination and discourage commitment. Yearly resolutions make you behave like you have the whole year to get the list done. Not with me. I have monthly resolutions. Sometimes I even have weekly resolutions. The notebook I carry around has several of these weekly and monthly declarations. I try getting them done before their deadlines. The notebook keeps me focused and in check. I get to enjoy canceling or ticking off my list as I go buy. Very fulfilling I tell you. Thus makes me accountable. My lists make sure I don’t forget what I’m supposed to do, and frequently checking on them makes me perform all my tasks on time. Well, my list is quite long this time; it has some tasks that I carried over from the previous year. I gotta snap out of it and start getting them done. Sigh.
This, is a phase that is about to come to an end. It’s about time. I am not a coward. I can do this. Yes I had my reasons for behaving like this. Or are they excuses… Some things happened. A bit tragic, a little depressing. Ended up losing a part of me; a part of my life. That led me into a state of despondency. But I am over it. I should be over it. *draws in and exhales a deep breath audibly* Life is gonna throw things at me and I’ll have to deal with them. I can’t stop or run away everytime I come across an obstacle. I’m made of tougher skin. I’m a lot more valiant than this. So yeah, from now onwards, I gotta be more resilient and less delicate. I refuse to go on flogging a dead horse.
So I’m back to the drawing board. I plan to take everything a step at a time. I just have to do something about everything. I refuse to just stand there and let life pass me by. I have dreams and big future plans that I need to make happen. In a few months I’ll be finishing school and boy do I have plans. I don’t want to mess up. I can’t. I won’t. I guess I should be excited! Not nervous, or worried. I can do this. I got what it takes. I just gotta focus, and become more steadfast. I got this.
I don’t plan to put a stop to my hobbies. God no. They keep me sane; and happy. I will read that novel, watch that movie, go shopping, listen to music, practice my piano, and draw away…but as a post-task prize.
So yeah, this is my first blog post of the year 2014. I know it’s been awhile since I posted something, but I finally did it. And I plan to do it a lot more often this time. So watch this space!