So I haven’t been in the moods to write of late. Several things happened recently that completely threw me off and I haven’t been my jovial self at all. I felt like I was just going through the motions, day in day out, and never really having any worthwhile experiences or feeling happy. Like I used to. Normal reaction to crisis, I know, but I recognized I was letting it go too far when I realized that I had stopped enjoying the things I love as much as I did. Among them, listening to music, following the series I was watching, hanging out with some friends, and most importantly, writing. Don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about a writer’s block. See in writer’s block mode, you want to write but you can’t; in this situation, I don’t even want to give myself a chance. It’s like I’m denying myself happiness because I believe I should be “grieving”. I’d rather watch a very boring series non-stop, or even play solitaire to pass time and distract myself from feeling anything until I am required to do something else. However, what was worse was when I get the occasional questions from a friend or acquaintance.. “Why haven’t you written anything of late?” “Do you still write?” And sometimes I felt a twinge of guilt or remorse but I still din’t get myself to change it. Now more than ever, it’s pretty obvious that my mood influences my writing.
But this weekend changed all that. It started when I came across this quote.
I’m starting over. I’m going to forget the past and
just live in the present, and focus on making a better future.
This saying made me realize that I was doing just that! Focusing on the past. Letting what has already happened deter me from focusing on what is happening, what can happen and what I want to happen. Nevertheless, my favourite moment and the highlight of my weekend came from my seven year old cousin. She’s a beautiful, smart and bubbly girl who is almost always happy. She is the definition of ‘full of life’. I baby-sitted her this weekend and who would have guessed, it was exactly what I needed to get me to snap out of it. When she first saw me, she half-ran towards me smiling, saying my name out loud, and hugged me. I was happy to see her too. And even though she is a seven years old, she is great company. We get along great! So the first thing she does after we had exchanged the greetings and pleasantries, is brag her new acquired skills since we last saw each other. She’s learning French!! She was transferred from Montessori school to Braeburn because her mum now teaches there, and I have never seen her so excited about school. She can count to 60 in French, she tells me delightfully and goes ahead and proves it. She goes on and recites the alphabet in French too. And the best part is, she does it with a perfect French accent and without faltering at all. I know, who would have thought right?!
Other than having fun together, I believe I should borrow a leaf or two from my little cousin. Scratch that, the whole tree! With the branches and roots too! All through the weekend she was completely in the moment. She enjoyed the swimming, the games, the colouring, the movies we watched, the cartoons (and yes, we watch Disney channel together -_-), time with her parents, drawing, playing the piano and even the meals! She told me all about her new best-friends from school and every question I asked, she answered with so much enthusiasm! Come think of it, she never takes offence or ‘catches feelings’ in whatever anybody says! She didn’t have a single worry in her. Not homework, not school, not friends, not what happened all throughout the week, not what happened last month…she was living every moment. Now I don’t know if she had argued with a friend or failed a test or hadn’t finished her school work. Maybe she quickly forgives and forgets, or maybe she just doesn’t let unpleasant things that have already happened spoil her present moments. On no occasion did she give herself any reasons to not be happy. All in all, she was living in the present.
She kept asking her parents if she could do whatever she felt like doing, and went right ahead and did it. No excuses. Meanwhile, here I am mulling over spilt milk, while I have so much things I can do. So many things I want to do. I want to go back to playing piano (I have been saying this for the past two years), I want to write and blog every day, I want to start drawing again, I want to go on with my salsa classes, and my swimming lessons. I want to learn a foreign language, I want to write a book, I want to go out on a road trip, I want to move out… As you can see, I have a lot I want to do, but I have been giving myself excuses of why I can’t instead of just finding a way of doing it.
So she has added a little weight since I saw her last, but girl still rocks her shorts like she is paid to do it. She had her pretty swimsuit on at the pool, and feels like a princess whatever she wears. Infact, the last time she paid attention to her outfit or how she looked was when she finished putting on her clothes in front of the mirror. She loves her body, she loves herself, and she loves how she looks. She is a little diva dancing around in addition to being so adorable. And guess what, it was contagious. Maybe this time I felt it more because was going through my ‘zombie days’, but I felt it. Her energy, her love of life, and her lack of distress. She played around with my hair and kept saying how pretty i looked. Lol. (And she hadn’t been the first to say it that week!). It got me thinking why in the world I would doubt myself. Why I hold back. Why i let the voices in my head destroy my world despite what others see in me. My little cousin taught me how to do what makes me happy despite what others might think; or rather what I think others might think. She made me see that it’s not the world that destroys us; we give it the power to and let it destroy us.
Funny how the universe works. It gives us everything we need, and even want. All we have to do is reach out to grab it. Life isn’t fair. We just make it to seem that way. I’m not saying I won’t be gloomy again, or something else won’t get me sad and mad in the future; I’m just saying that there’s more to live for in life. All i have to do is live and be in the present, focus on my goals and dreams, and lastly, not let any setback bring me down. I am training myself to become more self-aware, practice self-love, and notice the infinite blessings and possibilities in my life. When you feel like the world has come crashing down, you pick yourself up, start over, and move on with life. Don’t let your situation define you, but see it as an opportunity for a fresh start and achieve the person you set out to truly be.
Good Luck mates! 🙂